The Power of Forgiveness: breaking the chains that hold us hostage
“But I don’t want to!”
I’ll admit, that was my own response to the Lord when someone offended me. I wasn’t ready to forgive. I had all kinds of reasons to delay forgiveness. I wanted to hold onto the offense, coddle it, and hold it close because I was justified to do so (and others would agree, of course!) There was security and power in holding a grudge. That person wronged me, hurt me, did or said things that were not right. If I forgave them, I would be letting them ‘off the hook’ and that would be wrong…right?
We struggle to do what Jesus asks us because we think that if we forgive, we’re exonerating that person from their offense and we’re removing their accountability for what they’ve done. “Lord, if I forgive them, then they’re getting away with it!” Satan deceives us into that mindset, friends along with the delusion that we have that kind of power. Ultimately, God holds that ‘other’ accountable- He sees and knows. They will stand before Him and answer for what they’ve done. No one gets away with sin. No one. Sometimes the law or the church can successfully bring justice or resolution, but be assured, the offense will not be forgotten, nor will it be dismissed in the eyes of God.
But when it comes to our sons and daughters, our protective parental nature steps up to shield our kids and make sure they’re okay. We will fight for them when they cannot stand for themselves. And we’re even more cautious and hesitant to offer forgiveness because we’re protecting our family and we want justice and to see payment for the offense.
“Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Matthew 18:21
When Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). I’m sure Peter thought he was being generous and righteous, taking the higher road, to forgive someone seven times was going above and beyond, right?
But Jesus' response turned that around. “Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:22)
Why would Jesus say that?
You see, forgiveness is not just for the ‘other’ person. Forgiveness is for us who are offended and who struggle with the injustice of it. Forgiving once isn’t enough because those feelings of injustice, hurt, pain, anger, bitterness and more come flooding back into our hearts in ever increasing waves and begin to put distance between us and God. Oh, we justify it by saying we’re holding that other person accountable. But really, we’re poisoning our own hearts in our quest to justify our hurt and bring accountability to the other. Holding that other person accountable becomes our full time obsession and consumes our thinking, our being and steals our joy.
Studies show that harboring unforgiveness has a physical impact on our bodies.
“Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.” (1)
Unforgiveness can damage us for life and lead to a premature death. It can be all consuming and ruinous. Why would we allow something to have that much power over us?
The act of forgiveness releases that pain, hurt, and poison. But it’s never a ‘one and done’ act. We need to forgive as many times as it takes for our head and heart to recognize and believe that we can trust GOD to hold that other person accountable and to be confident He will bring justice- it’s not for us to ensure. Oh, if laws were broken and restitution is needed, of course it’s important to engage the legal system. But friends, it’s even more important to engage our hearts with the Lord and surrender to His Lordship. Why would we let someone else’s offense damage our relationship with God? Then their offense becomes doubly-damaging.
It is not our responsibility to be the prosecuting attorney in the courtroom of the Lord. That’s just not our job. Essentially, when we do that, we are putting ourselves in God’s place and friends, that’s idolatry. When we refuse to forgive, we are telling God we don’t trust Him to bring justice and resolution. We question His authority, His power, and His lordship in our lives when we cling to unforgiveness. When we hold onto an offense, it becomes the ‘third wheel’ in the relationship and soon, it becomes the focus and God takes a back seat.
Instead, every time we feel that anger, bitterness, and pain bubble up, we need to say “I forgive them.” Say it out loud, say it in your heart, say it to the Lord, and pray that He would help you feel that forgiveness. We need to continue saying it until we truly feel the forgiveness that releases us from the bondage of bitterness that would damage our communion with the Lord. We need to say it until we are no longer consumed by it.
Jesus told Peter to forgive seventy times seven because He knew how an offense and the resulting bitterness linger and unless we’re willing to give it to the Lord and allow Him to be our avenger, we will become hardened, bitter, and a victim of that offense all over again, and again, and again.
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25
Jesus also told Peter, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25). Think about that! Do we want Jesus to forgive us? If so, then we need to forgive others.
Do you ever feel like your prayers are hitting the ceiling but not reaching the Lord? Could it be you need to do some forgiving?
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37
Now here’s an important parenting moment….of course our sons and daughters have encountered hurt and offense…how do we advise them? And do we carry a grudge on their behalf?
Oh, friends, when someone wrongs our kids, the “Momma bear” can come out and take over, right? But if we want to be an example of Christ to our sons and daughters, we need to model Jesus to them. Jesus forgave those who crucified Him. Think about that. Jesus forgave those who put Him to death. He knew that He held the ultimate power and that one day those same people would stand before Him…His love for them and His desire to see them know and follow Him as Lord and Savior eclipsed everything else. Would Jesus deny them salvation? No! That was the very reason He was willing to die. And friends, that same Savior who holds ultimate power is the One who lives in us. That same power that raised Him from the dead is the same power that works in us (Ephesians 1:18-20). The same Lord who conquered sin and death is the Lord who is in control of every aspect of our life. Why would we set that aside for the sake of holding onto the sinful attitude of unforgiveness?
Do we have a heart for others that, more than earthly justice and payback to others, wants to see lost people saved? Do we want to see lives changed and surrendered to the Lord or are we clinging to our need for personal justice and accountability at the cost of eternity?
True freedom comes by praying for those who have hurt you. Pray for their heart- that they would find forgiveness and purpose with life in Christ. And pray that Jesus would heal your heart and help you forgive. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. There is joy, there is purpose, and there is a pathway to serving the Lord free from the chains of bitterness and unforgiveness. Satan uses unforgiveness to hold us hostage, but freedom is found in Christ and in the forgiveness He empowers us to embrace.
“Forgive. Seventy times seven and keep forgiving until God grants you the freedom from the bondage of unforgiveness.”
The best thing we can do is to pray.
“Oh, Lord, it’s so hard to surrender control over the situations and people who have hurt me. I know I don’t have the ability to bring justice, to make them pay for their offenses, and to restore what was lost. Yet I’m afraid to let go and forgive because it seems counter-productive and in my mind and heart. In my human mind, forgiveness releases them from being accountable. But Lord, I know You see it and You will take it in hand. Psalm 10:14 reminds me, “But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.” I am not Fatherless, Lord, because I have You. I pray that You would see my trouble. See the trouble of (name), my (son/daughter). I ask that You would bring healing and freedom from the pain of the wrong done and from the bitterness and anger that fester. Give us courage and strength to forgive, not just for the other person, but to maintain our relationship with You. Please help us to not allow this to stand in the way of our fellowship with You. So right now, I choose to forgive (name) for what they did and the pain they caused. I forgive them Lord and pray that You would work in their life, bring confession, repentance, and redemption so that (name) would come to know You as Lord and Savior. Help (name) to recognize that hurting others only tightens the chains of bondage that Satan holds over them and to understand that there is boundless spiritual freedom in following Jesus as Lord and. Bring healing and freedom to all of us, Lord. I pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.”
Pray without ceasing.
Forgiveness: Your health depends on it. Johns Hopkins Medicine. (2024, June 20). https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
Are you praying for a prodigal? Don’t lose heart. God sees and He hears. Keep laying your burdens in prayer at the feet of Jesus. Trust Him, He is working. You may not see it, but He works in dimensions that are beyond our comprehension. Pray for those friends and associates that interact with your beloved prodigal, that God would use them to bring them to full surrender to Jesus as Lord.
40 Days of Prayer for the Prodigal is a powerful book for anyone deeply in prayer for the heart of their loved one. The book addresses the battle for the heart, mind, and soul of the prodigal through praying Scripture boldly and consistently with faith that God will bring repentance and restoration. Pray the words of Scripture in powerful and effective ways to plead with God about the condition and situation of your beloved prodigal and watch God work!
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Walking Away from Jesus
That a son or daughter has walked away from their faith is a realization that no believing parent or family wants to admit. Immediately so many questions bubble up- why? What happened? What brought on this change of mind, of heart?! Why, Lord? Why our family? What did I do wrong?
Sadly, it’s not rare. There are many young people who walk away from their faith while others run hard or slam the door shut on any conversation that might include God. Hurt, resentment, bitterness, disillusion all play a part in leaving faith.
Most often it’s a gradual process, happening over time and subtly. That’s how Satan works. He’s slick, subtle, and sneaky. He works his way in, stirring questions, whispering doubts, casting dispersions and cultivating discontent. He speaks lies that are easily believed. He plays on our emotions. He attacks the mind in an invisible battle that often does much damage before the evidence is obvious to others. Satan is a master deceiver and his work is evident in the lives of so many sons and daughters who grew up singing “Jesus loves me” but now want nothing to do with Him. But this isn’t quitting religion as the world would have you believe, it’s abandoning a relationship between Jesus and the one for whom He died.
Often, by the time someone is walking away from their faith, the battle in their mind and heart has been rumbling or raging for a while. By the time it’s evident, serious damage has been done. Conversation does little, but prayer is powerful.
Our sons and daughters must make their own confession of faith in Jesus Christ. Faith isn’t inherited. Yes, we can leave a legacy of faith, but no one enters the kingdom of God because of another’s faith. “because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9, ESV Pray that they would be convicted to embrace Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
Drifting is easy. It requires no effort. And when one is drifting away from the Lord, it’s a gradual, passive change that often carries the individual far away from the Rock of salvation before the drift is even recognized. Pray that the Lord would place firm barriers in the way of their drift. Pray that He would anchor them in Scripture, would provide solid teaching, and would stir concern and attentiveness to their situation. "so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3”17-19
Leaving the faith is often motivated by misperceptions and selfish motivations that set oneself up as more important..essentially idolatry of self. Pray that the Lord would call them out on their idolatry, bring conviction and change. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 warns us, “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” Pray that our sons and daughters truly would have nothing to do with such people.
Environmental factors play a role. Where and with whom are they spending time? How are these places and people impacting their choices, their values, their trajectory? Pray that the Lord would bring strong, solid believers into their life…ones for whom they would have respect and appreciation, ones to whom they would listen and take to heart what is said. 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.””
Many times a finger will be pointed at someone who said something or did something that turned the individual away from the Lord, from fellowship with believers, and from trusting the Lord. Here’s the thing, people are poor representatives of Christ and too often, Jesus is judged because of the words and actions of others. Are we trusting in others or are we trusting in God? Job 13:15, “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;”
What do they love? What are they pursuing? What is it that holds priority and purpose in their lives? These questions will reveal where their heart is focused. Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
As parents, WE cannot change their heart- only God can do that. But we can pray that He would intervene, wake them up and do what it takes to turn them back to Jesus. That’s a hard prayer. We don’t like praying “Lord, do whatever it takes” because there is fear of what that might be. But friends, there should be a greater fear of what happens if they do not turn back to the Lord.
God may send a storm…and we may not like it. But Charles Spurgeon said something so profound, "I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages." If the storm God brings is the catalyst that turns the heart of our son or daughter back to the foot of the cross, then it is so worth it. Would we rather protect them from pain and hardship here or allow God to do what He would to bring them back into fellowship with Him?
If our sons and daughters are not willing to suffer for the Lord, they’ve bought into the lie that Satan weaves that tells us God wants our comfort, our success, and our happiness to overflow in this life. That’s a prosperity gospel deception and is unbiblical.
““...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”” John 16:33b
Yes, hardship, pain, and sorrow are part of walking with Jesus- He was a man of sorrow, acquainted with grief (Isa 53:3) but it is also filled with joy, hope, and assurance that our eternity is secure. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.” Romans 5:1-2. But if we cling to Jesus, we WILL overcome the hardship, pain, and grief of this world.
“For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.” 1 John 5:4
Let’s pray that our sons and daughters cling tightly to Jesus, no matter what. Pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal and protect from deception. Pray that those who are drifting would wake up and turn back to Jesus. Pray that God would do what He must to bring them back into the fellowship of the cross.
“Oh, heavenly Father, one thing I fear is that my son or daughter would drift away from You. I struggle to think they may walk away, not loving You for all You are and all You do. How could it be? Yet I know that a heart that longs for You is a work of the Holy Spirit, not the effort of my longing or result of my parenting. You’ve told me not to fear- fear is a tool of the enemy. So I will pray to the One Who holds the future, Who directs my steps and knows my thoughts and sees my heart. I will pray to the One who created my beloved (son or daughter). You know them, You love them, and You desire right fellowship with them and worship from them.”
“Lord, You tell us in Psalm 139:1-6 that You have searched (name), LORD, and you know them. You know when name sits and when they rise; you perceive their thoughts from afar (even those thoughts that pull them away from You, Lord.) You discern their going out and their lying down; You are familiar with all their ways. (Lord, you see who they fellowship with, who speaks into them, and You see what motivates them- change this so they are motivated to seek You.) Before a word is on (name)’s tongue you, LORD, know it completely. (Guard their words. Consume their thoughts. Don’t let them stray, Lord.) You hem (name) in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon (name). (I pray in this that the Holy Spirit would be powerful and convicting- don’t let (name) ignore Your prompting and Your conviction.) I pray, too, that such knowledge would be too wonderful for (name), giving them no other choice but to bow to Your Lordship and surrender their heart and life to You. Lord, You are able to do more than our minds can imagine. You are always on time, never late and never ill-prepared. I pray that in Your time and perfect way, You would work on (name) to bring them back to the cross, back to full surrender and back to walking in step with You with a passion and conviction that would make the enemy flee. I pray this all in Jesus’ name, amen.”
Pray without ceasing.
Are you praying for a prodigal? What a dark and difficult road that can be. Don’t lose heart, friend! Keep laying your burdens in prayer at the feet of Jesus. Trust Him and know that He’s working. You may not see it, but He works in dimensions that are beyond our comprehension. Don’t forget to pray for those friends and associates that interact with your beloved prodigal, that God would use them to bring them to the cross.
40 Days of Prayer for the Prodigal, is a powerful book for anyone deeply in prayer for the heart of their loved one. It walks you through 40 days of prayer on topics that impact the prodigal’s pathway, their excuses, their pain and sorrow and intersperses days of Sabbath encouragement for the reader.
The book addresses the battle for the heart, mind, and soul of the prodigal through praying Scripture boldly and consistently with faith that God will bring repentance and restoration.
Purchase your copy today and begin a deep, scripture-based prayer journey that will transform your heart and the heart of the prodigal as well!
Praying for the Ordinary
I’ve been pondering what to write for the past two weeks. What is it God wants us to pray about? I’ve started and set aside multiple posts. But a question I received this week got me thinking and that seems to be where God’s directing, so here we go!
A former student, newly graduated from university and living and working locally, met me for coffee. This student was a missionary kid who grew up in multiple places, but spent little time in the United States. This student speaks two languages fluently, and understands how to navigate life in multiple cultures. Yet, navigating life in the US is what is foreign. In the course of conversation, the student said, I just want to live an ordinary life, to which I responded, I think it’s hard for MKs to live an ordinary life (and how each person defines ‘ordinary’ differs, right?).
In my work with international and MK university students, I’ve been privileged to watch so many come to school, far from where they grew up, and begin to navigate life in an unfamiliar country and culture without the reassurance of family nearby. The MK students, in particular, experienced a lot of challenges. Most grew up outside of the United States, outside of their passport culture. To many of us here, we look at them and say ‘they’re home now’, but in their heart and mind, they are far, far from anywhere they consider home. Home is on the savannah in Kenya, a hut in Papua New Guinea, or a high rise in a closed country.
Maybe your son or daughter is a missionary, raising your grandkids overseas. Maybe you were an MK yourself, or you went to the field and that’s where your sons and daughters grew up. It is important that we take a few minutes to understand how to support these brothers and sisters in Christ more effectively. Whether it’s your son or daughter, your grandchildren, or someone else’s, they are a part of the body of Christ and it is our responsibility to encourage them and support them, more than just financially. If we understand their experience more deeply, we can pray more effectively.
Matthew 25:35 “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in.”
Question 1: Do we recognize that, although they are back in the US, they are far from home and things are strange? They truly are a foreigner in heart, mind, and, sometimes, even language. How can we welcome them well?
Back to the question, “How can I make an ordinary life?”
It’s not that MKs can't live an ordinary life. But an MKs growing up is so extraordinary. Most of them had a passport from a young age and navigating airports and international travel was second nature. I've found so many MK's who feel at home in an airport. Their life has been so mobile and multicultural, there’s something comforting and familiar about the airport terminal. They live a life unlike so many of us who are born, raised, and live our lives in the same 10 mile radius.
Many MKs don't know what it means to stay in one place for a prolonged length of time, let alone live into adulthood in the same place you grew up (imagine that, friends… they struggle to answer the question “where are you from?”). The concept of putting down roots often scares them because they feel like that is restrictive instead of anchoring.
Colossians 2:6-7 “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.”
Question 2: How can we help them understand that roots bring stability, not restriction? How is being rooted in Christ beneficial to our spiritual stability? How might physical roots support a stable life?
MKs don’t need to break the pattern of adventure, mobility, and multicultural experience, that’s an integral part of who they are, but they do need to learn how to settle and create a life, schedule, and patterns where God places them. There is a tendency to be anxious to move to the “next thing” or to get back to what was. Remind them to be present and to be careful to give 'here and now' credit for what makes it 'here and now' instead of comparing it to 'then and there'. And don’t be too eager to move on, recognize and enjoy what God has for you here in this moment. He’s placed you here for a reason.
Philippians 1:20 “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”
Esther 4:14b “And who knows but that you have come to your royal position [this new location] for such a time as this?””
Question 3: How does God want you to be effective for Him where He’s placed you…for now? How might the story of Daniel, taken captive and held in a foreign land, help bring perspective to the knowledge that God placed you here and now for such a time as this?
Understand that most MKs and their family will go through a grieving process. Any time they leave one place for another, there are goodbyes, things left behind, loss, and hardship. Consider, when they leave for the field they sell most of their belongings, say goodbye to friends, family, pets, and life as they know it…then that process happens over and over throughout their life. It leaves trauma that is often unrecognized or glossed over. When they come to church to present, they put on their happy faces and tell you the best things, because they know a hurting family or a struggling MK is not what a church wants to see. Be willing to look deeper and to hear the hard things. Let’s love one another well.
John 13:34-35 ““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.””
Question 4: Have I taken time to really listen to the MK and get to know their story?
Take the opportunity to learn from them- they are a wealth of knowledge. Listen to how God works in their part of the world- how have they seen Him work? Get ready for some amazing stories and humbling insights! What do they miss? What do they hold dear? This is how we can love others well.
“Ordinary” is when you have a routine and know what to expect right where you are. There's a settled-ness about it and a peace that comes with knowing and understanding where you are and why. Ordinary means you know where to go, where to find things, how to do life, and you move with the rhythm of the place in which you live. It's far from boring. It's using your gifts and talents in the place God has you right now, living successfully and finding joy in it. It's not the constant 'thrill-seeking' but a settled contentedness that gives you peace, assurance, and strength.
Isaiah 26:3-4 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.”
Question 5: Isn’t that what God asks of us- to be settled and at peace in Him, regardless of where He places us geographically? How might God use our ‘ordinary’ to bless and encourage someone today? How might you be able to help the MK settle in a country that doesn’t yet feel like home?
Take time to pray for an MK and their family. Reach out to ones you know and encourage them. Encourage your sons and daughters to do the same. The body of Christ is global and we need to be connected to one another, whether we fellowship in the same building or are spread across the globe. Let’s pray for the sons and daughters of those who serve.
Pray without ceasing.