The Kids are Grown, What is Your Role Now?
I recently read a quote by Dr. Joel ‘Gator’ Warsh and it made me pause. It said, “Parenting is the only job where the goal is to make yourself unnecessary.” Although I understood what he was trying to say, it just didn’t sit right with me. We don’t raise our children to consider us obsolete once they are grown. Parents are never unnecessary. Though we outgrow being ‘mothered’, we never outgrow our need for our parents, their wisdom, their presence, and their love. Yet, that’s exactly what the enemy would like us to believe. He wants to convince us we’re redundant and that there’s been a ‘strategic realignment’ in the family structure. He whispers that we’re no longer relevant and that our sons and daughters are moving on…without us. He accuses us of being useless and outdated. But why is that? Because praying parents (and grandparents) are powerful and effective in impacting this next generation for the Lord! God has plans and purposes for us that oppose those of the enemy.
We’ve spent a lot of time praying for our kids. If you’ve been following this page, just think about all of the intentional prayer that has been laid out before the Lord on behalf of your sons and daughters. Prayer is effective and I am confident God is working, you should be too! We are by no means unneeded or unnecessary!
But sometimes we need encouragement as parents, too. Remember those times when the kids were little and you’d sneak off to the laundry room just to take a breath? Or maybe you crept into the bathroom hoping for two minutes of peace…and you got 45 seconds out of the deal and you were grateful! Now that the kids are grown, they’ve moved on to new adventures, jobs, perhaps with families of their own and all that remains for you is more free time, more empty space at home and lots of quiet. It’s a lot to process.
Who are you now? Before, you were Mom or Dad and that role consumed you. Guess what…you still are Mom or Dad, but your role is changing, and that’s okay. Think of how kind and gracious God is. He gives us 18, maybe even 21 years to raise our children and invest in their lives. I mean, our puppy was just eight weeks old when we whisked her away from her Mom to begin her new life in our house. But my kids? Wow, I had an amazing 21 years with them (and they still like to come back and visit!)
Some of you may be venturing into a new season of parenting by sending someone off to university for the first time…or the last time. Maybe you’re celebrating a marriage with one of your children or waving as the moving truck pulls away. Whatever the catalyst for change, the result is a new season of discovering who you are and what God intends for you to do. We’re not meant to stay in that phase of actively raising, training, and mothering children indefinitely and if we try, our kids will push back, desiring their freedom and the chance to spread their wings. So where does that leave us?
I see some people struggle with the empty nest, not wanting to admit that their sons and daughters have flown, not wanting to let go and trying to prolong the nurturing connection, which then often becomes controlling. I see others turning in circles, unsure of what’s next because their identity is ‘gone’ and they don’t know who they are. They wander aimlessly and I see them begin to lose heart. Still others jump into this new phase with enthusiasm and purpose, excited for what lies ahead. It’s not that they don’t mourn what is finished, but they see the potential of what is coming and what could be.
I’m confident that the dilemma comes down to this: in Whom do we find our identity? If it’s our sons and daughters, we are going to struggle. They were not created to define us. Their purpose is not to be our source of joy and purpose in life. Our sons and daughters were (and are) a blessing from God, entrusted to us, but created for Him and for His purpose. You and I were the ones He chose to raise them for a season, but not forever.
So, how do we align the truth of what we know in our heads (we’ll be okay, God’s plan is perfect) with the conflict we feel in our hearts (this loss and change are painful)?
Life will change, people will move on, circumstances will always be unpredictable, but Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The only certainty is establishing your identity in Christ.
1. “Set your heart on things above” (Colossians 3:1) Yes, we love our children, but our heart should be focused on Christ and following His will. If our heart is set on things above, we gain perspective and the ability to work through these changes with a heart fixed on God’s unchangeable truth- a steady foundation.
2. “Set your mind on things above” (Colossians 3:2). Moms, you and I both know how our minds race. 4am can see full-on conversations with ourselves about all of the things we need to fix, worry about, change and do. But if we set our minds on things above, we gain that perspective that enables our hearts and minds to rest in Christ. We don’t have to fix it; He can, He will! We don’t have to worry, that’s taking on responsibility God didn’t intend for us to carry. We can’t change people and circumstances; we can’t be their Holy Spirit. And the compulsion to always be ‘doing’? It’s a trap that keeps us frazzled and unfocused. …Sometimes we just need to sit back and let the Lord handle it…He doesn’t need our help- He’s quite capable. Our obedience comes in being intentional to set our mind on things above and submit ourselves to God.
3. “For you died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3 ) If we are believers and Christ-followers, we need to die to ourselves, our agenda, our desires and allow our life to be hidden with Christ in God. That’s identity!! Our identity is not found in our role as Mom or Dad, not in our job or title, not in our residential address or our friends and associates. Our identity is in Christ- the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God and Prince of Peace.
So how do we embrace the future with enthusiasm, excitement and sense of purpose when our role as Mom or Dad is drastically changing? Look at Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” God created us distinctly and intentionally with gifts and talents to accomplish the specific facets of His plan that He designed to require our unique abilities. His overarching plan spans more than just the years of our raising children! From the time we are born until the moment we stand in Jesus' presence and embrace Him, there is a beautifully choreographed plan that requires our active and eager participation. This plan was set in place even before the world was breathed into existence. Think about that. Embrace the powerful truth that God has work for you to do yet!
Yes, this season may be coming to a close, but there is so much more yet to do and God is not finished with you. So lift up your chin, look to Him and eagerly ask Him to show you what’s next!
Pray with eager expectation! God isn’t finished!
"Father, open my eyes to see where You are leading me as this season of parenting changes. Give me hope and a future that will fill me with purpose according to your plan and help me to be willing to do what you are calling me to do. Give me strength and joy to serve in new ways and help me to align my heart and mind with You so my identity is securely established in Christ. In Jesus name, Amen."