The Kids are Grown, What is Your Role Now?
I recently read a quote by Dr. Joel ‘Gator’ Warsh and it made me pause. It said, “Parenting is the only job where the goal is to make yourself unnecessary.” Although I understood what he was trying to say, it just didn’t sit right with me. We don’t raise our children to consider us obsolete once they are grown. Parents are never unnecessary. Though we outgrow being ‘mothered’, we never outgrow our need for our parents, their wisdom, their presence, and their love. Yet, that’s exactly what the enemy would like us to believe. He wants to convince us we’re redundant and that there’s been a ‘strategic realignment’ in the family structure. He whispers that we’re no longer relevant and that our sons and daughters are moving on…without us. He accuses us of being useless and outdated. But why is that? Because praying parents (and grandparents) are powerful and effective in impacting this next generation for the Lord! God has plans and purposes for us that oppose those of the enemy.
We’ve spent a lot of time praying for our kids. If you’ve been following this page, just think about all of the intentional prayer that has been laid out before the Lord on behalf of your sons and daughters. Prayer is effective and I am confident God is working, you should be too! We are by no means unneeded or unnecessary!
But sometimes we need encouragement as parents, too. Remember those times when the kids were little and you’d sneak off to the laundry room just to take a breath? Or maybe you crept into the bathroom hoping for two minutes of peace…and you got 45 seconds out of the deal and you were grateful! Now that the kids are grown, they’ve moved on to new adventures, jobs, perhaps with families of their own and all that remains for you is more free time, more empty space at home and lots of quiet. It’s a lot to process.
Who are you now? Before, you were Mom or Dad and that role consumed you. Guess what…you still are Mom or Dad, but your role is changing, and that’s okay. Think of how kind and gracious God is. He gives us 18, maybe even 21 years to raise our children and invest in their lives. I mean, our puppy was just eight weeks old when we whisked her away from her Mom to begin her new life in our house. But my kids? Wow, I had an amazing 21 years with them (and they still like to come back and visit!)
Some of you may be venturing into a new season of parenting by sending someone off to university for the first time…or the last time. Maybe you’re celebrating a marriage with one of your children or waving as the moving truck pulls away. Whatever the catalyst for change, the result is a new season of discovering who you are and what God intends for you to do. We’re not meant to stay in that phase of actively raising, training, and mothering children indefinitely and if we try, our kids will push back, desiring their freedom and the chance to spread their wings. So where does that leave us?
I see some people struggle with the empty nest, not wanting to admit that their sons and daughters have flown, not wanting to let go and trying to prolong the nurturing connection, which then often becomes controlling. I see others turning in circles, unsure of what’s next because their identity is ‘gone’ and they don’t know who they are. They wander aimlessly and I see them begin to lose heart. Still others jump into this new phase with enthusiasm and purpose, excited for what lies ahead. It’s not that they don’t mourn what is finished, but they see the potential of what is coming and what could be.
I’m confident that the dilemma comes down to this: in Whom do we find our identity? If it’s our sons and daughters, we are going to struggle. They were not created to define us. Their purpose is not to be our source of joy and purpose in life. Our sons and daughters were (and are) a blessing from God, entrusted to us, but created for Him and for His purpose. You and I were the ones He chose to raise them for a season, but not forever.
So, how do we align the truth of what we know in our heads (we’ll be okay, God’s plan is perfect) with the conflict we feel in our hearts (this loss and change are painful)?
Life will change, people will move on, circumstances will always be unpredictable, but Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The only certainty is establishing your identity in Christ.
1. “Set your heart on things above” (Colossians 3:1) Yes, we love our children, but our heart should be focused on Christ and following His will. If our heart is set on things above, we gain perspective and the ability to work through these changes with a heart fixed on God’s unchangeable truth- a steady foundation.
2. “Set your mind on things above” (Colossians 3:2). Moms, you and I both know how our minds race. 4am can see full-on conversations with ourselves about all of the things we need to fix, worry about, change and do. But if we set our minds on things above, we gain that perspective that enables our hearts and minds to rest in Christ. We don’t have to fix it; He can, He will! We don’t have to worry, that’s taking on responsibility God didn’t intend for us to carry. We can’t change people and circumstances; we can’t be their Holy Spirit. And the compulsion to always be ‘doing’? It’s a trap that keeps us frazzled and unfocused. …Sometimes we just need to sit back and let the Lord handle it…He doesn’t need our help- He’s quite capable. Our obedience comes in being intentional to set our mind on things above and submit ourselves to God.
3. “For you died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3 ) If we are believers and Christ-followers, we need to die to ourselves, our agenda, our desires and allow our life to be hidden with Christ in God. That’s identity!! Our identity is not found in our role as Mom or Dad, not in our job or title, not in our residential address or our friends and associates. Our identity is in Christ- the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God and Prince of Peace.
So how do we embrace the future with enthusiasm, excitement and sense of purpose when our role as Mom or Dad is drastically changing? Look at Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” God created us distinctly and intentionally with gifts and talents to accomplish the specific facets of His plan that He designed to require our unique abilities. His overarching plan spans more than just the years of our raising children! From the time we are born until the moment we stand in Jesus' presence and embrace Him, there is a beautifully choreographed plan that requires our active and eager participation. This plan was set in place even before the world was breathed into existence. Think about that. Embrace the powerful truth that God has work for you to do yet!
Yes, this season may be coming to a close, but there is so much more yet to do and God is not finished with you. So lift up your chin, look to Him and eagerly ask Him to show you what’s next!
Pray with eager expectation! God isn’t finished!
"Father, open my eyes to see where You are leading me as this season of parenting changes. Give me hope and a future that will fill me with purpose according to your plan and help me to be willing to do what you are calling me to do. Give me strength and joy to serve in new ways and help me to align my heart and mind with You so my identity is securely established in Christ. In Jesus name, Amen."
Is Joy Even Possible?
No one can be happy all the time. It requires external stimuli to generate feelings of pleasure, delight, and satisfaction. And when that stimulus declines or disappears, we see people become disillusioned, angry, and bitter because the euphoria doesn’t last. They’re ever chasing happiness, but it is fleeting. Happiness is circumstantial and unsustainable.
But joy. Oh, joy!! Joy is something God gives us when we’re fully surrendered to and in relationship with Him. Joy comes from the Source of joy, the presence of God’s peace, and the contentment of belonging, knowing your value, and having purpose, not in performance, but because you belong to Christ. Our circumstances may change, situations may turn sour, relationships become hard, and life hurts. But joy can remain because it’s not dependent on what surrounds us but on Who is within us! Joy is anchored in the eternal, not temporal circumstances or situations.
How many of us know people who, or have ourselves, viewed life in terms of ‘things will be better when…’ or ‘I’d be happy only if…’? We too often fall victim to thinking a change of job or house, a new relationship or pursuit will bring joy. But those are situational and circumstantial. The only change that truly brings joy is changing from a life lived for self to a life lived for God. A surrender of all of our desires, goals, pursuits, and passions to Jesus, making Him Lord of our life, brings true joy. He replaces longing with contentment. He supersedes happiness with real joy. He fixes our eyes not on the temporary, but the eternal.
And when He gives us joy, it is so far beyond what we have words to describe that 1 Peter calls it ‘joy unspeakable’, that’s joy “to which words are inadequate.” (1) Isn’t that the kind of joy we long to know and experience and to see our children know?
““Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible (unspeakable) and filled with glory, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:8-9
What if our sons and daughters found their true, boundless joy in Christ? All of the things of this world would become tarnished and we would recognize they lack the luster they once promised. Our children would know true, deep, satisfying joy that comes from the Source of Life, Himself.
So, how can we know this kind of joy? And how can we pray our sons and daughters pursue true joy, not the endless, defeating treadmill of the pursuit of happiness?
1. Full surrender to Christ as Lord and Savior.
This is where it begins, for all of us. Romans 2:23 tells us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
There is no way we can, on our own, be without sin and find real, lasting joy. If we fall short of God’s glory, we also fall short of true joy. Full surrender to Christ as Lord unlocks a new dimension of freedom, trust, joy, and peace that otherwise we cannot know.
2. Abide in Christ.
Make the choice to serve Him daily, spend time with Him, worship Him with all that you are and have. What does it mean to abide? It’s where you live. It’s the place you return to daily. It is where you find rest and belonging. It is home. If we abide in Christ, His joy abides in us.
John 15:10-11, “If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”
3. Pray, in Jesus’ name.
Prayer is a conversation with God and involves both speaking and listening. But our prayers are not answered because of the strength, justice, or validity of our appeal. Prayer is answered solely based on God’s character, nature, and attributes. His response aligns with His will, not our desperation. We need to be surrendered, listening, and willing to accept whatever He chooses to do because His responses are in line with His will and His eternal nature, rather than our limited and finite understanding and experience. Trusting in Who He is brings a peace and joy that no earthly guarantee can assure. Pray in His name and wait expectantly. He can do more than we could ask or imagine.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” John 16:23b-24
Asking in Jesus’ name brings joy because we know and trust the One who answers us.
4. Enjoy fellowship with other believers
“I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete.” 2 John 1:12
The Apostle John understood the importance and value of face to face fellowship. It’s something that cannot be gained via screens or online presence. While I’m grateful you take time to read these posts, I pray you are fellowshipping with other believers who can look in your eyes, encourage you with prayer, a hug, truth from the Word, and accountability. We are the body of Christ and the body is many parts, joined together. The body doesn’t log on to see how each part is doing, they are conjoined, sensing the needs, joys, and sorrows of each one. The body does life with all the parts in real time. Our sons and daughters desperately need fellowship, as do we. Pray they would pursue it as a priority, not a nicety.
5. Re-center your focus and anticipation on what is to come, daily.
Again, looking at 1 Peter 1:8-9, we’re reminded that joy is the product of knowing our eternity is secure in Christ.
“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:8-9
Our faith will one day become sight and we will SEE Jesus, our Savior, face to face! We need to pray that our sons and daughters are not caught up in the pursuit of success, money, things and relationships, distracted by the temporal things here. We need to cover them with prayer so they embrace the status of life as a believer in Christ, not the status of life as defined by this world. Pray they live, undistracted, realizing every day that eternity is a breath away and Who they pursue and what they worship makes a difference.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23
Joy is attainable! True, inexpressible, overflowing joy can be ours as believers in Christ! There is no law against it. No one can take it from us! It is a fruit of the Spirit, a product of Christ’s indwelling our hearts and minds! Let’s pray our sons and daughters embrace love and experience true, inexpressible joy in Jesus!
Check back soon, next up we’ll talk about peace!
Pray without ceasing!
G412 - aneklalētos - Strong's Greek Lexicon (KJV). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g412/kjv/tr/0-1/
Struggling with Words
Recently I’ve struggled with what to write on the blog. I’ve prayed, “Lord, what is it that people need to hear? What are they wrestling with? What is it they need to pray for their sons and daughters?” And words have been elusive. Oh, I’ve had plenty of ideas, good titles, and valuable Scripture that comes to mind, but when I sit down, the words don’t flow and I won’t post unless I am prompted by the Lord that it’s what He wants others to hear. I realized today, the absence or uncertainty of what to say is exactly what needs saying.
Sometimes when we pray, we just don’t have the words. We struggle to say what burdens our hearts or races in our minds. We know it, but we can’t seem to express it. We fumble. We stutter. We come up short.
The Bible tells us there is prayer for that, friends.
“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.” Ecclesiastes 5:2
Sometimes we need to sit with Who God is. We need to ponder His faithfulness, His Sovereignty, His eternal nature, in order to have a right mind and heart before Him. We need to be quiet. Words are not the be-all and end-all of prayer, though we’re often led to believe that. Eloquence without a right heart is empty and honestly, is no better than the Pharisees.
God sees the burdens of our heart. Nothing is hidden from Him or too deeply buried that He cannot fully understand.
“Though the LORD is exalted, he looks kindly on the lowly; though lofty, he sees them from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand you save me.” Psalm 138:6-7
Though we may struggle with words, with expressing the heavy burdens and aching pain of our hearts, when we humble ourselves before the Lord and ask, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27
When we don’t know what to pray, the Holy Spirit who indwells us communicates on our behalf to the Father, praying words we cannot about griefs, pains, and struggles that God sees and understands.
We must remind ourselves that God is more powerful than our struggles, pain, and hardship. He has the power to overcome. Yet, sometimes He waits. Will we wait with Him, trusting Him, or will we work against Him, pushing ahead for the resolution or rescue that we think is best?
“But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you;” Psalm 10:14
We need to pray for His will, not our own, and then be willing to wait for it. But do we know His will? Not always, but if we surrender to Him, He will make it clear. As believers in Christ, though we may not know how a situation will be resolved or a need met, we DO know that God is Sovereign, His dominion is eternal, His will is perfect, and His plan is securely in place. We can trust Him. When we quiet our hearts before Him and intentionally pursue Him, and not this world, He reveals His will to us and helps us be at peace with it. It could be moments, days, or years, but God’s timing is unlike anything we understand or experience in our limited human capacity. If we trust His eternality, if we believe in His sovereignty, we need to rest in His timing and that His way is perfect.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
So, this week, as you pray- or struggle to pray- do the following:
Quiet your heart before Him. Sit with Him and listen.
Exalt Him- His Supremacy, His Dominion, His Faithfulness, Power and Purpose that work on our behalf. Let your words be few.
Acknowledge that He sees you and your burdens and pain. Speak it out loud so your ears hear your heart and mind affirming your trust.
Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for you and for your loved one. He knows where they are, what they need, and the condition of their heart. Ask Him to work as Redeemer, Great Physician, Advocate, Defender, Rescuer, and Shepherd.
Take time to meditate on Scripture. Continually point your heart and mind to the infallible Word of God, the truths that affirm His Authority and Power, the reassurance that He is fully in control.
Rest in Who He is and what He will do.
“But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,” Psalm 33:18
Pray without ceasing.