Helping Our Children Grieve Well
“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” Psalm 31:9
No one wants to see their child grieve, it’s heart-breaking. As parents, we just want to ease the pain and reassure them all will be well. We want to see them have joy once again. It’s a helpless feeling and a difficult process to witness. It’s one of those parenting things that no one prepares you for, yet it happens to all of us.
Whether it be the end of a relationship, a broken engagement, the loss of a friendship, the death of a loved one, or the collapse of a dream, it’s all painful and there is little we can do to make it better. Grief is deep and the pain can be life-altering. We need to be careful that we don’t gloss over it with a sweet “it’ll be okay, there will be others” response. We have to be respectful of their experience and carry their grief and sorrow with care. Even if we know for certain that it won’t be a lasting grief, in the moment it is all-consuming and to lighten it with insensitive comments can erode the trust our sons and daughters have for us.
Perhaps it’s grief over sin. We don’t often consider that as part of a grieving process, but it is certainly a valid and Biblical point. Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn” isn’t addressing the death of a loved one, but grief over sin. When we mourn our sin, we align our heart with God’s, Whose grief over man’s sin propelled Him to the cross to pay the penalty for our sin and offer a way of redemption and restoration with God.
As difficult as grief is, we also don’t want to avoid it- God brought it for a purpose. He made our emotions and we are made in His image. We want to help our sons and daughters embrace grief mindfully and process it well.
The grieving process can be equated to crossing a bridge. It’s the transition from what was, the ‘old’ settled place, to what is happening right now- the new, unfamiliar and unsettled place in process, shaky and unfamiliar, to the hope of what will one day be a new normal, a resettledness that, although different, feels comfortable and okay. The catch is, we don’t always recognize that process, nor do we tend to manage it intentionally. Too often we let grief run its course, carrying us along as it does. We become a passenger of its ebb and flow, helpless, just waiting until it settles.
https://www.traininternational.org/blog/blog-post-bridge-of-transition
It’s important that when our sons and daughters grieve (and they will) that we are cognizant of the process (pictured in the graphic above) and we encourage them effectively through each stage. It’s especially crucial in that ‘in between’ stage, because that is often when the anger, depression, and deep loss are felt most keenly and where the one grieving can be struggling the most. It is where the loss is manifested in confusion and hard emotions and it is when our sons and daughters will need wise, effective support.
We can’t just tell them to get over it, to ‘keep calm and carry on’. We have to be intentional in what we say and how we encourage. We may not be able to empathize, but we can show compassion, we can be a source of strength and encouragement, and we can pray them through it.
https://www.adaptconsultingcompany.com/2023/11/01/the-bridges-transition-model/
Grief is a response to the loss of someone or something for which we held a deep love and sense of purpose. Grief can accompany a move from one place to another, a job change, a closed door or the end of a chapter in life. Many MK kids (and even PKs and military kids) experience this grieving process when they move to a new mission field, change churches or change duty stations or leave their home abroad to return to the US for university. It's letting go of what was, even if you’re not ready. It's embracing what lies ahead, even if you don’t want to. It’s the losses. It’s all the goodbyes and farewells, knowing that you may never return. It is one thing to leave home…it’s another to leave and know you will never return to that place. That’s hard to accept. Yet Jesus is in it all- of course He is. He is Sovereign. He is Omnipresent. He is LORD.
As believers, we sometimes chide ourselves for sad or angry emotions, those shown in the ‘leaving, chaos, and in-between’ stages. But, emotions are not sin. Scripture shows us examples of so many of these. Consider Elijah who was burnt out and overwhelmed in dealing with the abuse and resistance of Ahab and Jezebel. God didn’t chide him, He cared for him and gave him rest and nourishment. Consider Naomi, who grieved her husband and sons. God didn't take her to task for grieving, He brought others alongside to walk through the grief with her, Ruth and later, Boaz. Then He blessed her with Obed, a sweet grandson who restored Naomi’s hope and joy.
Emotions are not sin, but wallowing in them and allowing them to become our god is sin. When we allow emotions to rule and overcome us so that they are all we’re focused on and they are what directs our thoughts and our actions, that is sin. When we allow them to be the excuse for bad behavior, bad attitudes, and justification for rebellion, it is sin.
Understand, too, deep grief IS all-consuming. And it goes hand in hand with overwhelming, long-lasting emotions. There is no prescripted, appropriate length of time, after which those emotions settle and evaporate. The process is different for each one. How we choose to handle the process is key.
So what can a parent do?
Identify where your son or daughter is in the grieving process. If parents can take a step back and understand where they are in the grief journey, it can give perspective and guide the support and encouragement.
Support them mindfully. When they’re ready, help your son or daughter honestly look at the transition bridge and identify where they are in it. Helping them to see that what they’re experiencing is normal and there is an end to the chaos and confusion that accompanies grief can help them be a bit more mindful of the emotions they’re experiencing and why. Help them to recognize that there is a progression and they’re not just ‘stuck’. If they have context for what is happening, it can provide some reassurance and hope.
Encourage your children to talk to Jesus, to tell Him all that they’re feeling and how overwhelmed they are with it all. He already knows, but opening that communication with Him enables them to begin to listen to Him. It helps them be honest with what they’re thinking and feeling. Far too often, we bury our grief, hide it from others because it’s not well-received or others don’t understand. We put on a mask to pretend everything is okay. God is in the midst of the process and He has a purpose in it. But that is yet to be seen. Pointing to that fact too soon may exaggerate the difficult emotions. It’s a realization that the grieving one has to recognize in time. Talking to Jesus begins a healing process. Tell them to pray out loud, pray while they’re walking, pray prostrate, pray anytime, anywhere. Open communication with the Lord will begin to transform their heart and mind.
So, how can we manage the grief and the transition from what was to what is to what will be?
Take every thought captive. Much of the battle of grief and depression is fought in the mind. This is not a ‘mind over matter’ approach. That is a tendency to ignore or suppress thoughts and emotions. No, the one grieving needs to acknowledge the emotions and work through them, but they also must be intentional to set their mind on things above (Col. 3). That’s hard in the grieving process and it takes time. Grief makes us vulnerable in so many ways. We need to be intentional that we are spiritually protected and not an easy target for the enemy.
Identify where your hope is anchored. If your hope is set on the resolution or the healing, it is misplaced. When we hope for an outcome, we are far too often disappointed, disillusioned, and crushed once again. Outcomes are inconsistent, they change, they rarely result in what we hope for or imagine. No, our hope must be anchored in Christ, the Eternal One, the All-Sufficient One, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is unchanging…and isn’t that where we want our hope secured? Hope is the eager expectation of something good, and if we know our Bible, we know that this world is not where that is delivered. God’s good is stored up for us in eternity. We have treasure in Heaven, we are part of His family and He’s prepared a place for us to live eternally with Him. When we know Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, He strengthens and equips us to endure the hardship here because we know He redeems everything and makes beauty out of ashes. He will wipe away every tear. When our hope is anchored in Jesus, we have a steady, unchanging, eternal hope that can weather any storm.
Finally, we must worship in our grief. Worshipping in grief can be a sweet, restorative time between the griever and the Savior. There is something healing about being outside in nature. All of creation knows its Creator and if we sit and listen, we can hear the response of creation to Him. Listen to the wind in the trees, the song of the birds, the chirp and hum of the crickets and bugs. Psalm 96:12 says “Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.” and Psalm 148 calls for all creation to praise the Lord. Darkness and light cannot dwell together. Shut out the noise of the world. Allow the Spirit to speak to your heart. Praise drives away the darkness and helps us refocus our hearts and minds on the Lord. Time outside, spent listening to creation, reading Psalms, and even listening to praise and worship music can be healing.
Grieving can make us more like Jesus. That’s not usually something someone in grief wants to hear, yet, `Jesus was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He knew the loss of a loved one; His father, Joseph, died at some point during Jesus’ earthly life. God can use grief to deepen our understanding of Him. Deep love for humanity and the grief over sin is what brought Jesus to the cross. God understands our grief and can use it for our good and for His glory.
Don’t be afraid to embrace grief as a gift. Pray for your sons and daughters to embrace it well, to be submitted to the Lord and His refining process, and to praise Him that He is Present and working through it all. He has not abandoned you and He will not. Though we cannot see a way forward, He is the way-maker. Trust Him, lean into Him. Cling tightly.
“Father, grief is so painful. I know you understand because you watched Your Son grieve- the rejection of His peers, the loss of His earthly father, the betrayal of those closest to Him- Peter’s denial three times while He was being beaten and wrongly accused- all of those and so many more. How did You watch and not intervene? Your love for us enabled You to allow your Son to suffer. It was for Your glory and our good. Lord, I hate to see (name) suffer. Yet I know it is in the hard, painful times that we grow closer to You, we understand Your heart more clearly and we deepen our faith. Father, give (name) hope…no just temporary hope, but deep, abiding hope in Jesus. Help (name) to have assurance that no matter what happens here, You have a purpose and a plan forward. Surround them with other believers who will speak into their life, or who will be a quiet strength to support them through the grief. Lord, bring Scripture to mind that will encourage them and help them set their mind on things above. I pray, Holy Spirit, that You would be the Comforter they need, reassuring them that, although things feel out of control, You are very much in control and You are tempering everything that touches them, even the hard and painful things. Oh, Jesus, I know You understand. You are a Man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. You took on all of our sin, our pain, our shame. You carried this grief that (name) is walking through long before the situation ever occured. We can trust You. I pray that You would increase (name)’s faith and trust today. Give me discernment to support them well. Guard my mouth so that the words I speak would bring encouragement, salt, and light. Guide my steps so that the actions I take would be helpful and supportive. Lord, give light to this situation so that we can see Your hand at work and praise you for it. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Pray without ceasing.
