Helping Our Children Grieve Well
“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” Psalm 31:9
No one wants to see their child grieve, it’s heart-breaking. As parents, we just want to ease the pain and reassure them all will be well. We want to see them have joy once again. It’s a helpless feeling and a difficult process to witness. It’s one of those parenting things that no one prepares you for, yet it happens to all of us.
Whether it be the end of a relationship, a broken engagement, the loss of a friendship, the death of a loved one, or the collapse of a dream, it’s all painful and there is little we can do to make it better. Grief is deep and the pain can be life-altering. We need to be careful that we don’t gloss over it with a sweet “it’ll be okay, there will be others” response. We have to be respectful of their experience and carry their grief and sorrow with care. Even if we know for certain that it won’t be a lasting grief, in the moment it is all-consuming and to lighten it with insensitive comments can erode the trust our sons and daughters have for us.
Perhaps it’s grief over sin. We don’t often consider that as part of a grieving process, but it is certainly a valid and Biblical point. Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn” isn’t addressing the death of a loved one, but grief over sin. When we mourn our sin, we align our heart with God’s, Whose grief over man’s sin propelled Him to the cross to pay the penalty for our sin and offer a way of redemption and restoration with God.
As difficult as grief is, we also don’t want to avoid it- God brought it for a purpose. He made our emotions and we are made in His image. We want to help our sons and daughters embrace grief mindfully and process it well.
The grieving process can be equated to crossing a bridge. It’s the transition from what was, the ‘old’ settled place, to what is happening right now- the new, unfamiliar and unsettled place in process, shaky and unfamiliar, to the hope of what will one day be a new normal, a resettledness that, although different, feels comfortable and okay. The catch is, we don’t always recognize that process, nor do we tend to manage it intentionally. Too often we let grief run its course, carrying us along as it does. We become a passenger of its ebb and flow, helpless, just waiting until it settles.
https://www.traininternational.org/blog/blog-post-bridge-of-transition
It’s important that when our sons and daughters grieve (and they will) that we are cognizant of the process (pictured in the graphic above) and we encourage them effectively through each stage. It’s especially crucial in that ‘in between’ stage, because that is often when the anger, depression, and deep loss are felt most keenly and where the one grieving can be struggling the most. It is where the loss is manifested in confusion and hard emotions and it is when our sons and daughters will need wise, effective support.
We can’t just tell them to get over it, to ‘keep calm and carry on’. We have to be intentional in what we say and how we encourage. We may not be able to empathize, but we can show compassion, we can be a source of strength and encouragement, and we can pray them through it.
https://www.adaptconsultingcompany.com/2023/11/01/the-bridges-transition-model/
Grief is a response to the loss of someone or something for which we held a deep love and sense of purpose. Grief can accompany a move from one place to another, a job change, a closed door or the end of a chapter in life. Many MK kids (and even PKs and military kids) experience this grieving process when they move to a new mission field, change churches or change duty stations or leave their home abroad to return to the US for university. It's letting go of what was, even if you’re not ready. It's embracing what lies ahead, even if you don’t want to. It’s the losses. It’s all the goodbyes and farewells, knowing that you may never return. It is one thing to leave home…it’s another to leave and know you will never return to that place. That’s hard to accept. Yet Jesus is in it all- of course He is. He is Sovereign. He is Omnipresent. He is LORD.
As believers, we sometimes chide ourselves for sad or angry emotions, those shown in the ‘leaving, chaos, and in-between’ stages. But, emotions are not sin. Scripture shows us examples of so many of these. Consider Elijah who was burnt out and overwhelmed in dealing with the abuse and resistance of Ahab and Jezebel. God didn’t chide him, He cared for him and gave him rest and nourishment. Consider Naomi, who grieved her husband and sons. God didn't take her to task for grieving, He brought others alongside to walk through the grief with her, Ruth and later, Boaz. Then He blessed her with Obed, a sweet grandson who restored Naomi’s hope and joy.
Emotions are not sin, but wallowing in them and allowing them to become our god is sin. When we allow emotions to rule and overcome us so that they are all we’re focused on and they are what directs our thoughts and our actions, that is sin. When we allow them to be the excuse for bad behavior, bad attitudes, and justification for rebellion, it is sin.
Understand, too, deep grief IS all-consuming. And it goes hand in hand with overwhelming, long-lasting emotions. There is no prescripted, appropriate length of time, after which those emotions settle and evaporate. The process is different for each one. How we choose to handle the process is key.
So what can a parent do?
Identify where your son or daughter is in the grieving process. If parents can take a step back and understand where they are in the grief journey, it can give perspective and guide the support and encouragement.
Support them mindfully. When they’re ready, help your son or daughter honestly look at the transition bridge and identify where they are in it. Helping them to see that what they’re experiencing is normal and there is an end to the chaos and confusion that accompanies grief can help them be a bit more mindful of the emotions they’re experiencing and why. Help them to recognize that there is a progression and they’re not just ‘stuck’. If they have context for what is happening, it can provide some reassurance and hope.
Encourage your children to talk to Jesus, to tell Him all that they’re feeling and how overwhelmed they are with it all. He already knows, but opening that communication with Him enables them to begin to listen to Him. It helps them be honest with what they’re thinking and feeling. Far too often, we bury our grief, hide it from others because it’s not well-received or others don’t understand. We put on a mask to pretend everything is okay. God is in the midst of the process and He has a purpose in it. But that is yet to be seen. Pointing to that fact too soon may exaggerate the difficult emotions. It’s a realization that the grieving one has to recognize in time. Talking to Jesus begins a healing process. Tell them to pray out loud, pray while they’re walking, pray prostrate, pray anytime, anywhere. Open communication with the Lord will begin to transform their heart and mind.
So, how can we manage the grief and the transition from what was to what is to what will be?
Take every thought captive. Much of the battle of grief and depression is fought in the mind. This is not a ‘mind over matter’ approach. That is a tendency to ignore or suppress thoughts and emotions. No, the one grieving needs to acknowledge the emotions and work through them, but they also must be intentional to set their mind on things above (Col. 3). That’s hard in the grieving process and it takes time. Grief makes us vulnerable in so many ways. We need to be intentional that we are spiritually protected and not an easy target for the enemy.
Identify where your hope is anchored. If your hope is set on the resolution or the healing, it is misplaced. When we hope for an outcome, we are far too often disappointed, disillusioned, and crushed once again. Outcomes are inconsistent, they change, they rarely result in what we hope for or imagine. No, our hope must be anchored in Christ, the Eternal One, the All-Sufficient One, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is unchanging…and isn’t that where we want our hope secured? Hope is the eager expectation of something good, and if we know our Bible, we know that this world is not where that is delivered. God’s good is stored up for us in eternity. We have treasure in Heaven, we are part of His family and He’s prepared a place for us to live eternally with Him. When we know Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, He strengthens and equips us to endure the hardship here because we know He redeems everything and makes beauty out of ashes. He will wipe away every tear. When our hope is anchored in Jesus, we have a steady, unchanging, eternal hope that can weather any storm.
Finally, we must worship in our grief. Worshipping in grief can be a sweet, restorative time between the griever and the Savior. There is something healing about being outside in nature. All of creation knows its Creator and if we sit and listen, we can hear the response of creation to Him. Listen to the wind in the trees, the song of the birds, the chirp and hum of the crickets and bugs. Psalm 96:12 says “Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.” and Psalm 148 calls for all creation to praise the Lord. Darkness and light cannot dwell together. Shut out the noise of the world. Allow the Spirit to speak to your heart. Praise drives away the darkness and helps us refocus our hearts and minds on the Lord. Time outside, spent listening to creation, reading Psalms, and even listening to praise and worship music can be healing.
Grieving can make us more like Jesus. That’s not usually something someone in grief wants to hear, yet, `Jesus was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He knew the loss of a loved one; His father, Joseph, died at some point during Jesus’ earthly life. God can use grief to deepen our understanding of Him. Deep love for humanity and the grief over sin is what brought Jesus to the cross. God understands our grief and can use it for our good and for His glory.
Don’t be afraid to embrace grief as a gift. Pray for your sons and daughters to embrace it well, to be submitted to the Lord and His refining process, and to praise Him that He is Present and working through it all. He has not abandoned you and He will not. Though we cannot see a way forward, He is the way-maker. Trust Him, lean into Him. Cling tightly.
“Father, grief is so painful. I know you understand because you watched Your Son grieve- the rejection of His peers, the loss of His earthly father, the betrayal of those closest to Him- Peter’s denial three times while He was being beaten and wrongly accused- all of those and so many more. How did You watch and not intervene? Your love for us enabled You to allow your Son to suffer. It was for Your glory and our good. Lord, I hate to see (name) suffer. Yet I know it is in the hard, painful times that we grow closer to You, we understand Your heart more clearly and we deepen our faith. Father, give (name) hope…no just temporary hope, but deep, abiding hope in Jesus. Help (name) to have assurance that no matter what happens here, You have a purpose and a plan forward. Surround them with other believers who will speak into their life, or who will be a quiet strength to support them through the grief. Lord, bring Scripture to mind that will encourage them and help them set their mind on things above. I pray, Holy Spirit, that You would be the Comforter they need, reassuring them that, although things feel out of control, You are very much in control and You are tempering everything that touches them, even the hard and painful things. Oh, Jesus, I know You understand. You are a Man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. You took on all of our sin, our pain, our shame. You carried this grief that (name) is walking through long before the situation ever occured. We can trust You. I pray that You would increase (name)’s faith and trust today. Give me discernment to support them well. Guard my mouth so that the words I speak would bring encouragement, salt, and light. Guide my steps so that the actions I take would be helpful and supportive. Lord, give light to this situation so that we can see Your hand at work and praise you for it. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Pray without ceasing.
Battling Destructive Thoughts and Words
“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18
Imagine an old brick house covered in ivy. It looks beautiful and mysterious. The ivy creeps over the walls and the house takes on a different personality as the ivy spreads. But the ivy plant has root tendrils on the vines that penetrate into the surface of whatever it climbs on. Those roots attach the vine to the brick and mortar and begin to draw out the moisture. The vines spread and the leaves cover the walls and windows, blocking out the light. The vines will work their way under siding, in through windows and eventually, the ivy will damage the brick and destroy the mortar, compromising the integrity of the structure. Though it looks ‘pretty’ it becomes a silent enemy that will eventually destroy a house.
The power of words
Words can be similar to that ivy. They may seem innocent at first, just a surface thing that doesn’t do harm. But they can penetrate and cause damage, blocking out the light of Truth and drawing away the Living Water. Words can become dark thoughts that linger and penetrate into the heart and mind and cause destruction.
Our sons and daughters struggle with the battle against destructive words, even if they won’t admit it, because we know we do too…even if we won’t admit it. If asked to remember the kindest thing someone ever said to us, we might take a few moments to recall. But if asked to share the hardest or most hurtful thing, we can almost immediately call it to mind. Harsh words stick like glue.
This world is hard and the messaging that is being thrown at our sons and daughters is brutal. Standards they should attain to, but that are nearly impossible to meet; negative messaging that tears down their self-worth; comparisons that daily steal their joy - it all accumulates and festers. It creates a narrative that becomes their daily soundtrack. Sometimes we recognize the struggle in our children, other times they hide it well, but we know the negative words and messages are bombarding them and making an impact.
As believing parents, we have a responsibility to keep speaking truth into their lives, not just when they need it, but all the time. Will we wait and just ‘admire the proverbial ivy’ while it slowly and steadily destroys them, or will we begin to speak truth in ways that could transform their hearts and minds? Will we begin to tear down the destructive “ivy” of negative words and dark thoughts that would penetrate and destroy? We need to ensure that the messages they are hearing are Godly and right and will impact them for good. We cannot risk them struggling with dark thoughts that become deeply rooted and cause cracks in their spiritual foundation.
We can and should speak truth in love and point them to the power of the cross and the resurrection, not just when we see them struggling, but at every opportunity. There is power in the name of Jesus and the gospel is for everyone, everyday, not just on the day of salvation.
The best way to preserve a house from the damage of creeping ivy is to remove it- all of it. It’s not welcome. It’s destructive. And so it is with the words we choose to listen to, the values we choose to embrace, the practices we choose to engage in. If they are not Godly and we allow them to cling to us and take root, they will begin to change our stability and alter our spiritual integrity and obscure the light of God from our life.
So how do we best combat dark, destructive thoughts?
Scripture says “Take every thought captive” that comes from 2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
Demolish arguments.
What is it that you are listening to? What is trying to define you? What arguments are speaking into your worth and value? Evaluate their truth and pull down those lies from the pit that are trying to root themselves into your heart and mind. Don’t allow them to take hold and do damage.
The arguments are what the Greek calls “logismos” and it means a speculation or imagination (1). Do you see? There is little basis in truth, if any. It’s a guess, it’s an idea, it’s nothing that would hold up in court because there is little to no evidence to support it. Demolish it.
2. Demolish pretensions.
Pretentions are those ‘lofty thoughts’. The Greek word is ‘hypsoma’ and it means an elevated place or thing, or a barrier (2). What are the imagined barriers or those obstacles that situations or people put up in front of us? What are those things that exalt themselves over the truth of Scripture? Are they godly? Are they worthy? Are they deserving of our time, energy, and emotions? If not, knock them down. Detour around them. Break through them. Don’t invest in them because when you do, you’re redirecting your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual resources to something that is not of Godly.
3. Demolish every thing that sets itself up against the knowledge of God.
John 1:1-5 “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
Evaluate the thoughts and feelings against the truth of John 1:1-5. Where do they originate? Do they honor and exalt God? Are they thoughts and feelings God would give you? Do they speak life and light or are they representing darkness, confusion, and oppression? Rebuke any thoughts that do not represent Christ - they are of the enemy and should not have a place in your life. Do not give the enemy a foothold. Tear them down and focus on what is good, just, pure, and lovely (Phil 4:8). If something is set against God, it is not promoting or sustaining the fruit of the Spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). The fruit of the Spirit is a great standard by which to gauge the godliness of thoughts, feelings, words, and actions.
4. Take every thought captive and bring it into obedience.
The Greek word here is aichmalōtizō and it means to conquer, bring under control, or to master (3). We have the ability to ‘pump the brakes’ and stop our wrong thinking. We have the capacity to arrest the wild thoughts, bring an end to the oppressive, accusatory dialogue and to, instead, set our minds on things that glorify the Lord. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Absolutely!
5. Finally, choose to make our thoughts obedient to that which pleases God.
We must choose to do what the Greek calls hypakoē, which means attentive listening, compliance or submission (4). We must choose to bring our thoughts and feelings into compliance to God’s will, not leave them to the mercy of the arguments and pretensions that set themselves up against God and against His image-bearer.
Colossians 3:1-3 is the confirmation we need.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” Set your hearts. Make the choice. Be intentional.
The enemy wants us to live in the darkness of death. He deceives us into thinking that we are condemned and we have no hope. He lures us into lingering in the shadows- but our Savior walks through the shadows with us and it’s because of His light we can see the dangers and be confident of His protection! He prepares a table before us in the presence of our enemies, Psalm 23. We can rejoice and celebrate because Christ has won! We are redeemed! The enemy holds no power over us unless we allow it, and why would we?
Demolish it. Take it captive. Bring every thought into obedience.
These are the steps to overcome negative, dark, depressive thinking. These are the steps to a victorious mindset. We must choose where we will allow our thoughts to reside. We must choose what we will speak into the lives of others. It is important and urgent that we choose wisely and encourage our sons and daughters with the same.
Commit to pray
“Father, God, You see the struggles I have with my own thoughts and feelings. I know You see (name), too. You understand their struggles, their fears, their doubts and self-doubt. You see the enemy trying to leech living water and spiritual nutrition from them as he entwines his dark thoughts and casts his shadow of worthlessness and doubt. I rebuke this in Jesus name! I pray that You would help (name) to take every thought captive. As soon as those negative, questioning, dark thoughts begin to linger, I pray that they would capture them, rebuke them, and shift their thinking to what is right and true. Speak into them, Lord, their worth as a child of God, chosen and dearly loved. Strengthen them through Your Holy Spirit to demolish the arguments that would set themselves up against Your Word, Your Character, Your Truth. I pray that they would daily, moment by moment, bring every thought into obedience to You and Your will so they can live in victory. I pray that You would bring to mind Scripture that would encourage them. Help them to evaluate what they hear and choose to believe against Philippians 4:8 “...whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart].” (AMP) Lord, You are able to transform their mind and I pray You would do that, even today. Let the words of their mouth and the meditation of their heart be pleasing to You, Psalm 19:14. I pray this in Jesus name, amen.”
Pray without ceasing
If you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus and you would like to know more, keep reading! Scripture says we’ve all sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Though we live ‘rightly’, do good, give of our time and resources, it’s not enough. Our sin is too great for us to atone for. But Jesus, the Son of God, came in human form to live among us and to be a sacrifice for our sin- for the sin of the world. He lived a sinless life and died on our behalf so that we could be reconciled to God. In our sin, we cannot stand before a righteous and just God- we have no good in us. All of our ‘righteousness’ is just like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). But God demonstrated His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). Jesus became the sacrifice for our sin on our behalf. He paid the price for our sin once, for all. When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, God looks on us and sees Jesus. We are made holy and just. We are acceptable to God because of Jesus’ sacrifice. When we choose to follow Jesus, we make Him the focal point of our life, we pattern our life after Him and we live to serve and please Him. He promises everlasting life in His presence and an inheritance unlike any other. “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you are saved.” Romans 10:9 This is not religion, it’s not a set of rules or a checklist of things you must accomplish, it’s a personal relationship with the One True God, the Almighty, Creator of the Universe and lover of our souls. Would you choose to follow Jesus today? Pray this prayer,
“Lord, I know that I’m a sinner. I’ve done many things wrong, thought things that were impure, said things that were hurtful. Lord, I’m undeserving. But I believe Jesus died for my sin. I believe He rose again from the dead, conquering sin and death and that He lives eternally. I confess my sin and ask for Your forgiveness. I want Jesus to be Lord of my life. I ask Jesus, that You would be my Lord and Savior. Forgive me. Cleanse me. Make me new and give me life beyond the grave. Thank you for forgiveness and for the hope of heaven. In Jesus’s name, amen.”
If you prayed this prayer, reach out! I would be so happy to give you some resources and some encouragement! Knowing Jesus truly is life-changing!
G3053 - logismos - Strong's Greek Lexicon (niv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g3053/niv/mgnt/0-1/
G5313 - hypsōma - Strong's Greek Lexicon (niv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5313/niv/mgnt/0-1/
G163 - aichmalōtizō - Strong's Greek Lexicon (niv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g163/niv/mgnt/0-1/
G5218 - hypakoē - Strong's Greek Lexicon (niv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5218/niv/mgnt/0-1/
When the Weight of Your Thoughts Overwhelms You
We all know that feeling we get when things become too much. Whether the grief is bubbling to the surface, and we can’t hold it in, or the weight of worry is burying us under layers of concern and we feel like we’re going to suffocate, we feel the weight. When the dark thoughts creep in it’s hard to fight against the tide that seems to be too strong to turn. The worry and anxiety do not just set the tone for our day, they can consume it. So how do we fight it? And how can we encourage those we love in helpful ways that will point them to Christ in the struggle to manage the overwhelm?
Psalm 94:19 gives us some guidance; check out these three translations:
“When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy.” (NIV)
“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul” (NKJV)
“When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul.” (ESV)
Did you see it? WE can’t change anything…but God CAN and He WILL!!
The word anxiety (cares) comes from the Hebrew the word “sarapin” and means “disquieting thoughts.” 1 We’ve all experienced those, haven’t we?
Whether it’s worry over our kids, concern over a situation that feels out of control, fear of the unknown or grief over recent news, our hearts can only withstand so much. When we’re overwhelmed, our minds spin and build upon what is already present. It marinates. It festers. It distracts us from God and steals our peace. It’s not how God wants us to live.
When our thoughts battle against one another or against our peace of mind and heart, that is what Hebrew calls “sarapin”. The word “sarapin” stems from the root word “səipa” which means “ambivalence, division, or divided opinion.”2 And when we give space to those anxious thoughts, they can begin to consume us and distract our mind and heart from focusing on and trusting in God.
But God has a remedy for the confusion and division. Notice…GOD has the remedy. As much as we might try, we don’t have the power to will ourselves to be comforted. But God does!
His consolation or comfort is present and available to us. The Hebrew word “tanhumot” means “compassion or solace.”3 and that word comes from the word “naham” which means “to take a deep breath and be comforted.”4
Remember when our children would cry, sob with ragged breaths and sniff back the tears? We would gather them in, sweep the hair out of their eyes and gently rub their back or arm. Oftentimes we would gently tell them, “just breathe” and we could see them begin to settle and grow calm. Friends, that’s what our Heavenly Father tells us, too, “Just breathe. Rest in My strength. Lean into Me and find comfort and solace. My comforts can delight and cheer your very soul.” Why is it that we resist? Why do we think we have to settle our hearts in our own strength?
If we invite Him to, God settles and smooths our thoughts and our heart so that our troubled minds can be calmed and rest. He longs to give us joy, delight, and cheer! And what better way to demonstrate to others that we have the joy of the Lord?!
Today, take time to pray and pour out your heart to the Lord. Tell Him all the things that are weighing you down. He can bear the load- nothing is too much for Him. Be honest about your fears and your anger, your hurt and confusion. Lean into Him and let Him comfort you. He can and He will.
Then, take time to read the Psalms, maybe listen to some praise and worship music. Just sit and be still. God has abundant comfort for our needs, we only need sit at His feet and ask.
Pray without ceasing.
1. H8312 - śarʿapîm - Strong's Hebrew Lexicon (kjv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h8312/kjv/wlc/0-1/
2. H5587 - sᵊʿipâ - Strong's Hebrew Lexicon (kjv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h5587/kjv/wlc/0-1/
3. H8575 - tanḥûmôṯ - Strong's Hebrew Lexicon (kjv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h8575/kjv/wlc/0-1/
4. H5162 - nāḥam - Strong's Hebrew Lexicon (kjv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h5162/kjv/wlc/0-1/