Helping Our Children Grieve Well
“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.” Psalm 31:9
No one wants to see their child grieve, it’s heart-breaking. As parents, we just want to ease the pain and reassure them all will be well. We want to see them have joy once again. It’s a helpless feeling and a difficult process to witness. It’s one of those parenting things that no one prepares you for, yet it happens to all of us.
Whether it be the end of a relationship, a broken engagement, the loss of a friendship, the death of a loved one, or the collapse of a dream, it’s all painful and there is little we can do to make it better. Grief is deep and the pain can be life-altering. We need to be careful that we don’t gloss over it with a sweet “it’ll be okay, there will be others” response. We have to be respectful of their experience and carry their grief and sorrow with care. Even if we know for certain that it won’t be a lasting grief, in the moment it is all-consuming and to lighten it with insensitive comments can erode the trust our sons and daughters have for us.
Perhaps it’s grief over sin. We don’t often consider that as part of a grieving process, but it is certainly a valid and Biblical point. Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn” isn’t addressing the death of a loved one, but grief over sin. When we mourn our sin, we align our heart with God’s, Whose grief over man’s sin propelled Him to the cross to pay the penalty for our sin and offer a way of redemption and restoration with God.
As difficult as grief is, we also don’t want to avoid it- God brought it for a purpose. He made our emotions and we are made in His image. We want to help our sons and daughters embrace grief mindfully and process it well.
The grieving process can be equated to crossing a bridge. It’s the transition from what was, the ‘old’ settled place, to what is happening right now- the new, unfamiliar and unsettled place in process, shaky and unfamiliar, to the hope of what will one day be a new normal, a resettledness that, although different, feels comfortable and okay. The catch is, we don’t always recognize that process, nor do we tend to manage it intentionally. Too often we let grief run its course, carrying us along as it does. We become a passenger of its ebb and flow, helpless, just waiting until it settles.
https://www.traininternational.org/blog/blog-post-bridge-of-transition
It’s important that when our sons and daughters grieve (and they will) that we are cognizant of the process (pictured in the graphic above) and we encourage them effectively through each stage. It’s especially crucial in that ‘in between’ stage, because that is often when the anger, depression, and deep loss are felt most keenly and where the one grieving can be struggling the most. It is where the loss is manifested in confusion and hard emotions and it is when our sons and daughters will need wise, effective support.
We can’t just tell them to get over it, to ‘keep calm and carry on’. We have to be intentional in what we say and how we encourage. We may not be able to empathize, but we can show compassion, we can be a source of strength and encouragement, and we can pray them through it.
https://www.adaptconsultingcompany.com/2023/11/01/the-bridges-transition-model/
Grief is a response to the loss of someone or something for which we held a deep love and sense of purpose. Grief can accompany a move from one place to another, a job change, a closed door or the end of a chapter in life. Many MK kids (and even PKs and military kids) experience this grieving process when they move to a new mission field, change churches or change duty stations or leave their home abroad to return to the US for university. It's letting go of what was, even if you’re not ready. It's embracing what lies ahead, even if you don’t want to. It’s the losses. It’s all the goodbyes and farewells, knowing that you may never return. It is one thing to leave home…it’s another to leave and know you will never return to that place. That’s hard to accept. Yet Jesus is in it all- of course He is. He is Sovereign. He is Omnipresent. He is LORD.
As believers, we sometimes chide ourselves for sad or angry emotions, those shown in the ‘leaving, chaos, and in-between’ stages. But, emotions are not sin. Scripture shows us examples of so many of these. Consider Elijah who was burnt out and overwhelmed in dealing with the abuse and resistance of Ahab and Jezebel. God didn’t chide him, He cared for him and gave him rest and nourishment. Consider Naomi, who grieved her husband and sons. God didn't take her to task for grieving, He brought others alongside to walk through the grief with her, Ruth and later, Boaz. Then He blessed her with Obed, a sweet grandson who restored Naomi’s hope and joy.
Emotions are not sin, but wallowing in them and allowing them to become our god is sin. When we allow emotions to rule and overcome us so that they are all we’re focused on and they are what directs our thoughts and our actions, that is sin. When we allow them to be the excuse for bad behavior, bad attitudes, and justification for rebellion, it is sin.
Understand, too, deep grief IS all-consuming. And it goes hand in hand with overwhelming, long-lasting emotions. There is no prescripted, appropriate length of time, after which those emotions settle and evaporate. The process is different for each one. How we choose to handle the process is key.
So what can a parent do?
Identify where your son or daughter is in the grieving process. If parents can take a step back and understand where they are in the grief journey, it can give perspective and guide the support and encouragement.
Support them mindfully. When they’re ready, help your son or daughter honestly look at the transition bridge and identify where they are in it. Helping them to see that what they’re experiencing is normal and there is an end to the chaos and confusion that accompanies grief can help them be a bit more mindful of the emotions they’re experiencing and why. Help them to recognize that there is a progression and they’re not just ‘stuck’. If they have context for what is happening, it can provide some reassurance and hope.
Encourage your children to talk to Jesus, to tell Him all that they’re feeling and how overwhelmed they are with it all. He already knows, but opening that communication with Him enables them to begin to listen to Him. It helps them be honest with what they’re thinking and feeling. Far too often, we bury our grief, hide it from others because it’s not well-received or others don’t understand. We put on a mask to pretend everything is okay. God is in the midst of the process and He has a purpose in it. But that is yet to be seen. Pointing to that fact too soon may exaggerate the difficult emotions. It’s a realization that the grieving one has to recognize in time. Talking to Jesus begins a healing process. Tell them to pray out loud, pray while they’re walking, pray prostrate, pray anytime, anywhere. Open communication with the Lord will begin to transform their heart and mind.
So, how can we manage the grief and the transition from what was to what is to what will be?
Take every thought captive. Much of the battle of grief and depression is fought in the mind. This is not a ‘mind over matter’ approach. That is a tendency to ignore or suppress thoughts and emotions. No, the one grieving needs to acknowledge the emotions and work through them, but they also must be intentional to set their mind on things above (Col. 3). That’s hard in the grieving process and it takes time. Grief makes us vulnerable in so many ways. We need to be intentional that we are spiritually protected and not an easy target for the enemy.
Identify where your hope is anchored. If your hope is set on the resolution or the healing, it is misplaced. When we hope for an outcome, we are far too often disappointed, disillusioned, and crushed once again. Outcomes are inconsistent, they change, they rarely result in what we hope for or imagine. No, our hope must be anchored in Christ, the Eternal One, the All-Sufficient One, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is unchanging…and isn’t that where we want our hope secured? Hope is the eager expectation of something good, and if we know our Bible, we know that this world is not where that is delivered. God’s good is stored up for us in eternity. We have treasure in Heaven, we are part of His family and He’s prepared a place for us to live eternally with Him. When we know Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, He strengthens and equips us to endure the hardship here because we know He redeems everything and makes beauty out of ashes. He will wipe away every tear. When our hope is anchored in Jesus, we have a steady, unchanging, eternal hope that can weather any storm.
Finally, we must worship in our grief. Worshipping in grief can be a sweet, restorative time between the griever and the Savior. There is something healing about being outside in nature. All of creation knows its Creator and if we sit and listen, we can hear the response of creation to Him. Listen to the wind in the trees, the song of the birds, the chirp and hum of the crickets and bugs. Psalm 96:12 says “Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.” and Psalm 148 calls for all creation to praise the Lord. Darkness and light cannot dwell together. Shut out the noise of the world. Allow the Spirit to speak to your heart. Praise drives away the darkness and helps us refocus our hearts and minds on the Lord. Time outside, spent listening to creation, reading Psalms, and even listening to praise and worship music can be healing.
Grieving can make us more like Jesus. That’s not usually something someone in grief wants to hear, yet, `Jesus was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He knew the loss of a loved one; His father, Joseph, died at some point during Jesus’ earthly life. God can use grief to deepen our understanding of Him. Deep love for humanity and the grief over sin is what brought Jesus to the cross. God understands our grief and can use it for our good and for His glory.
Don’t be afraid to embrace grief as a gift. Pray for your sons and daughters to embrace it well, to be submitted to the Lord and His refining process, and to praise Him that He is Present and working through it all. He has not abandoned you and He will not. Though we cannot see a way forward, He is the way-maker. Trust Him, lean into Him. Cling tightly.
“Father, grief is so painful. I know you understand because you watched Your Son grieve- the rejection of His peers, the loss of His earthly father, the betrayal of those closest to Him- Peter’s denial three times while He was being beaten and wrongly accused- all of those and so many more. How did You watch and not intervene? Your love for us enabled You to allow your Son to suffer. It was for Your glory and our good. Lord, I hate to see (name) suffer. Yet I know it is in the hard, painful times that we grow closer to You, we understand Your heart more clearly and we deepen our faith. Father, give (name) hope…no just temporary hope, but deep, abiding hope in Jesus. Help (name) to have assurance that no matter what happens here, You have a purpose and a plan forward. Surround them with other believers who will speak into their life, or who will be a quiet strength to support them through the grief. Lord, bring Scripture to mind that will encourage them and help them set their mind on things above. I pray, Holy Spirit, that You would be the Comforter they need, reassuring them that, although things feel out of control, You are very much in control and You are tempering everything that touches them, even the hard and painful things. Oh, Jesus, I know You understand. You are a Man of sorrow, acquainted with grief. You took on all of our sin, our pain, our shame. You carried this grief that (name) is walking through long before the situation ever occured. We can trust You. I pray that You would increase (name)’s faith and trust today. Give me discernment to support them well. Guard my mouth so that the words I speak would bring encouragement, salt, and light. Guide my steps so that the actions I take would be helpful and supportive. Lord, give light to this situation so that we can see Your hand at work and praise you for it. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Pray without ceasing.
Reflections on Psalm 138: Our Calls Don’t Go Unanswered
“When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.” Psalm 138:3
Does God really hear us when we call? If you’ve been crying out, with little to no response, it may feel like your cries are unheard.
But remember when our children were infants? We heard their cry and quickly moved to meet their needs. But sometimes that meant doing something elsewhere before we came to their side because we were preparing to meet their needs in the best possible way. Maybe we sprinted to the kitchen to grab a bottle or stopped by the laundry room to grab a fresh sleeper and blanket. Regardless, we knew there was a need and we were working to meet it. Yet to our crying baby, it seemed like their cries were unheard. They didn’t see us working.
How many times have you cried out to God and your cries are met with silence…or so you thought?
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. Ps 34:17
The LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous. Prov 15:29
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. Ps 40:1
I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. PS 116:1
God is faithful to hear us when we call and he’s always working according to His plan.
He’s not indifferent and He doesn’t ignore us until we cry harder, louder, or get more desperate. That’s not Who He is. That’s not how He works.
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. Deuteronomy 7:9
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. I Cor 1:9
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. Deut 32:4
God is a good Father.
He moves to meet our needs. Sometimes that involves other people, in other places, at various times and seasons, in ways we don’t see or perceive. Yet God is always working; nothing will thwart His will. No obstacle will stand in His way. We need to trust Him- what is our alternative? To whom else can we turn? There is no other name and there is no other Power that can intervene in divine and perfect ways.
The challenge for us is the waiting. We don’t like to wait. We live in an instant society where we get immediate results. There’s no more waiting weeks for a reply by mail when we can simply text or email and get a reply within minutes..or even seconds. We get drive-through coffee, drive through lunch, and we can even get drive-through church. So, we tend to think that God works the same way because He is able, right? And why wouldn’t He want to meet a need, fix a problem or redeem a disaster as quickly as possible? Why wouldn’t He deliver immediate results, instant relief, and on-demand solutions? Yet, in the waiting, we learn more about Him. Sometimes God slows us down so we can listen and watch and in so doing, learn more about Who He is and how He works, we begin to treasure His attributes- His Sovereignty, His Immutability, His Omnipotence, His Omnipresence.
The theology of sourdough…
When we make sourdough (it’s a thing, I know… I have yet to dive into the process, but it’s fascinating), it all begins with the starter. And that starter is fed over days…weeks, until it’s ready to use. During that process we watch, we look for signs that there is fermentation and growth, we check the sources that tell us what a mature starter looks like, smells like, and what signs show that it’s ready. Then, a bit of the mature starter is mixed with the other ingredients to begin the breadmaking process. But even then, it’s still not ready. The dough that’s been mixed needs to proof and rise. But all the while, from the time we make our starter until the time we pull that first loaf, warm and golden, from the oven, we know the result will be good, delicious, homemade bread that will satisfy our hunger. We are willing to endure the process because the results will be satisfying and fulfilling. Oh, friends, do you see the spiritual correlation?
Isn’t that so much like taking things to God in prayer? We can be confident that He WILL answer and that it will be perfect, according to His will. And when we call on Him? He will make us bold and stouthearted. Note that the writer of the Psalm didn’t say God answered His prayer, no, he said that in calling on Him, God made him bold- to embolden, make sure, strengthen (1) and stouthearted-strength in various applications (force, security, majesty, praise):—boldness, loud, might, power, (2). God encouraged his heart because the author called on Him. God answered by strengthening His child, not by solving the problem.
Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. Ps 55:17
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer. Ps 6:9
Why, then, would we rush the God of the Universe and be angry toward Him for working all things according to His will and His timeline, which are perfect and sufficient? Would we have Him rush for our sake? Would we have Him speed the process and lose the depth and beauty of the result? Would we have Him skip over what might be the most meaningful lesson or impact of the situation just to deliver the solution or relief? Do we love God because He delivers or because of Who He is and who He’s made us to be- His children?
We can and should cry out for God’s help daily. We should bring our burdens to Him, fully turning them over to His care and sovereignty. What would we do with our burdens if we kept them to ourselves? We would carry the weight of them, worry over them, try and fix them, but all without success. We must unburden our hearts and minds at the feet of the Savior, first asking for forgiveness of our own sins and then asking for His answer to all that burdens us. Then, we need to trust His process. Let it rise. Let it work. Look forward to the wholesome, nourishing result that will come in God’s perfect time.
If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; PS 66:18
Today, take time to pray to the Lord and surrender your burdens to Him. Then, pray about your sons and daughters and the burdens they carry. But first, root out the sin in your own heart. Make sure that you are right before the Lord. Don’t look at the splinter in the eye of someone else. Deal with the lumber yard in your own heart. Give all of your cares, offenses, arguments, woes, and worries to the Lord. And then, cry out to Him and wait in expectation. He’s listening and He WILL respond. Wait with expectation and hope. He never disappoints!
Today, write out a prayer to the Lord, calling on Him with trust and expectation, reminding yourself that His solutions are always sufficient and on time.
Pray without ceasing.
H7292 - rāhaḇ - Strong's Hebrew Lexicon (niv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h7292/niv/wlc/0-1/
H5797 - ʿōz - Strong's Hebrew Lexicon (niv). Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/h5797/niv/wlc/0-1/
Building a Godly Life
A rite of passage for young adults is moving out of their parent’s home and into their own place. We all know it’s coming someday, but when the day arrives, it’s bittersweet because for us as parents, it marks the end of a season. We step away from the ‘active parenting role’ and into the unfamiliar territory of parenting an adult. We no longer tell them what to do or how to do it (but if they ask, we’re happy to share). Our own agenda, calendar, and priorities are no longer the guidepost for their days and cannot dictate what they do, where they go, and when they interact with us or others. We can (and do) offer wisdom and guidance, but their decision making is their own. They have a job and they’re building a home and a life. It is important that we respect their adulthood while still offering wise words in discerning ways at appropriate times. (Oh that there was a manual for this stage!)
And though we won’t hear the laughter coming from their room or enjoy the unexpected conversations when they walk in and plop on the sofa at the end of the day, telling us all about their day, we’ll still enjoy the relationship. The conversations will unfold differently and, perhaps more deeply. The relationship shifts from the parent caring for a dependent child to that of a parent encouraging an adult son or daughter (note, we didn’t use the word ‘child’). And, of course, we will keep praying…always. Because, although they’re no longer occupying our house, they’ll never stop occupying our heart.
We recently launched our youngest into her own place. When she moved out of our home, we gave her the things we no longer needed or wanted. She furnished her home with second-hand furniture, thrift store finds and things collected from family and friends. Often, our sons and daughters have an idea of how they want their space to ‘look’ and they pay a lot of attention to that. But the more important thing is the foundation of their life- how does that look? Is it solid? Does it fit a life that is Biblically sound?
Building a life requires wisdom (we know that young adults have some wisdom…but wisdom comes with years and experience…they’ll figure that out at some point). As much as we help them find the physical items they need for their home, the spiritual aspects are even more vital as they live as independent adults. Our job now, as parents and mentors, is to pray intentionally that the home and life they build is one founded on Godly wisdom and truth.
“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” Proverbs 24:3-4
The following are prayer points that we can pray for our sons and daughters as they establish themselves in adulthood (and in the new neighborhood)
Pray that they are intentional to spend time in God’s Word daily- reading, learning, gaining wisdom and knowledge.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.” Philippians 1:9-11
2. Pray that they would have spiritual discernment and always look to the Lord for wisdom and protection.
“But my eyes are fixed on you, O sovereign Lord; in You I take refuge- do not give me over to death. Keep me from the snares they have laid for me, from the traps set by evildoers. Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I pass by insafety. “
Psalm 141:8-10
3. Pray that they find a good church in which to settle, learn, grow and have fellowship and accountability. It’s easy to drift away from the habit of going to church.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25
4. Pray that their friendships and any spouse-potential relationship would be God-honoring, that those they surround themselves with, spend time with, and whom they allow to build into their life would be Christ-followers who desire to please God more than anyone else.
“I am a companion of all who fear you, of those who keep your precepts.” Psalm 119:63
5. Then, let’s pray over them daily, that the Lord would guide their steps, protect them from harm and from those who would deceive them, and provide for them both physically and spiritually. Pray that they would desire more of Him and would see His hand in their life.
“Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.” Psalm 119:35
“Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.” Psalm 119:133
Today, let’s pray Psalm 121 over our sons and daughters:
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.”
Pray without ceasing
Keep in Step with the Spirit
Have you ever watched a marching band? They keep in step with one another, following the lead of the drum major. They all move in sync with each another and to the rhythm of the music. Those who choose to be part of the band understand that it’s not a solo performance, but the success of the band depends on everyone keeping in step and following the director.
As believers, when we “live by the Spirit” it is a similar calling. God gifts each of us differently, but we are all called to follow Him and use our gifts to bring Him glory and honor as a family of believers. Living by the Spirit is a descriptor of our motivation and our goal. When we live by and for something, it is our focus and our purpose. If we are believers in Christ and trust in His death and resurrection as payment for our sin, we are dead to sin and alive in Christ. God calls us, He draws us and He stirs in us a desire to follow after Him. We’re not living ‘solo’ but for God.
Romans 6:8-11 “Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”
When we cast the ‘old’ aside and live for Christ, the Holy Spirit lives in us and gives us a calling, a purpose, and helps us bear fruit. We no longer live for ourselves. We’re no longer bound by sin and death- they don’t rule over us any more. Are we still impacted by them? Yes, as long as we live in this fallen world, we’ll battle sin and we’ll face death...physical death. But we no longer face spiritual eternal death and sin doesn’t rule over us! We are alive in Christ!! The Holy Spirit indwells us and we are made more like Christ each day because of the Spirit’s work in our heart and mind.
Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
When we become believers in Christ, we live by the Spirit who indwells us. He transforms us. We begin bearing fruit that reflects Christ in us. Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
Oh, that our sons and daughters would live for Christ and keep in step with the Spirit!
Today, let’s pray these things:
Pray that our sons and daughters, first and foremost, would commit their lives to Jesus Christ and trust Him as their Lord and Savior
Pray that they live for Jesus and not for themselves. Pray that they would bear fruit that reflects His preeminence in their lives
Pray that they keep in step with the Spirit- walking in the Way that He shows them, obeying what He calls them to do and honoring Him with their choices.